I couldn't sleep...again...last night. My brain wouldn't shut off - which is really unfair by the way. I lay there next to my snoring husband and think to myself, "Truly men are not that dumb or empty headed to be able to just turn it off." The thing is, they aren't dumb they are just way less capable of carrying emotions around with them than we are. Hey...I guess it's a gift and a curse.
Anyways, it got me thinking about that "switch". That on/off button that I can't ever seem to find. I am not sure what has been going on with me lately but if there was ever a time when I needed to literally have a switch it would be now. I mean I have always become a little more emotional once a month, every month. But the past few months if feels like it's extending much longer than that. And I just get....Lost. Like I am walking around outside my own body looking for me. Because this person, this body I am walking around in, is most certainly not mine. She is too tired all the time and short tempered and is quick to judge. She is fat and unattractive and really mean. She doesn't want to connect with her husband, she raises her voice at her kids (doesn't that sound nicer than yell?) She gets jealous of peoples accomplishments and feels sorry for herself. She finds the imperfections in people or their lives when she normally prides herself in seeing the good in everyone. She just isn't ME damn it! So I'm going to find me. And I pace and wander aimlessly until....*Deep Breath and Sigh* I find me again. And guess who is waiting there for me when I return - My Husband. And he just hugs me and says he loves me and then asks me what movie I want to watch. He never gets angry. He just waits for me. Patiently. He's been doing that from the moment I met him. Waiting for me. Patiently. He is my best friend. And we are madly in love with each other. Which is why when I get "lost" it bothers me probably more than it bothers him. Actually, no that isn't true. Definitely bothers him more. I lose all conscience thought when I am this way. I forget how lucky and blessed I am. And I really HATE myself for that!!! I know better so why do I do this? And my answer is, I have no flippin' idea. But what I do know is that I am lucky that I have those people at the other end of the dark, sometimes never-ending, tunnel. So what if my "switch" is broken. I bet you a million other women would say the same. I just hope they have the same welcoming committee I do. Otherwise, it has to be a lot harder going through that knowing it's not going to be easy when you do snap out of it.
I think I was meant to lay awake last night with my brains' knob turned to 'overload'. I think God was keeping me awake with these thoughts. I received a really sweet email from a friend about my blog. The things she wrote to me have had me thinking about them since I read them. They are probably what got me thinking about all of this last night. So I just wanted to put this out there. I am flawed. I am imperfect. I can be mean. I can be bitter. I can be unforgiving. I get jealous. I get angry. I make bad decisions. BUT...these things are just a small part of who we are. Who I am. I am also loving. I am devoted. I am loyal. I will forgive. I am aware of my misgivings and I try to make the best of them. And if you ever need a friendly face at the end of the tunnel. Well, you got a friend in me!