So I'm not quite sure I want to post this. I'm not quite sure how I or my words will be perceived. I'm also not quite sure if I care. I am quite sure, however, that I want to write about it. Maybe just for myself, maybe not just for myself. I'm a little scared.
You see another reason why I didn't get to that Monday Giveaway was because we had a sad tragedy happen over the weekend. Well.."we" didn't but my friend did. She lost her dad on Saturday night. And it's sad. And he was sick and I know he wanted to go but it doesn't change how sad it is. And how surreal I'm sure it feels to her. And I can't stop thinking about how she must be feeling. Mostly because I am feeling sad for myself. Does that make me a horrible person? Perhaps. I lost my dad when I was 21 years old. Suddenly, and without warning. And it was sad. And it was surreal. And I know how my friend feels. I know how it feels to lose something you don't want to lose. To lose a man that is one of the most important in your life. To lose that person permanently. To not be able to pick up the phone and call him for directions. To not have him walk you down the aisle when you get married. To not ever meet your kids. And then I get angry...when I think about my kids not knowing him I get angry. I get angry at GOD all over again. Which sucks, because I made my peace with his death years ago. As much as you can make peace when you lose someone. I did, I made my peace. I accepted "Everything happens for a reason". But like my friend Allison said, It's easier to accept that if we just knew the reason. The thing is, God could tell me right now what his reason was and it wouldn't be good enough. Because I feel like my kids got the crap end of the deal. Don't get me wrong, my mother is amazing. Best Nana in the world. Ever present in their life. And my kids know it. They know how much she loves them. I think my mothers love for them exceeds the love of a grandma and a grandpa together. Exceeds it by far. But as I got older my dad veered towards the friendly relationship with me. There were a lot of reasons for that, mostly guilt on his part I am sure. But I can't help but think how that would have transcended into his relationship with my kids, my niece and nephews. Our kids would have thought "Grandpa" was cool!! In reality I have no idea what kind of dad or grandpa he would have continued to be. But because this is my reality now, I guess I'm sort of free to make that up as I go. That's the ironic part - the more I make up of how it "would have been" or "could have been" the more sad it makes me. Anyways, my point to all of this is that when someone...a friend....an aquantance...even a stranger loses someone too soon...it always brings me back to this hole in my heart. In my life. It always makes me think about my loss...and this time it makes me feel selfish. So...this is my prayer...
I need your strength more than ever these next few days. I need to have the courage to not be sorrowful in my own pain and be brave for my friend. I need to stand on my own two feet with my arms open wide and my tears be nothing more than for her pain and loss. I can't continue to wrap my arms around my self and cry. I feel like I am in a "club" of sorts. The kind where only someone who has lost a parent or a sibling knows about or is apart of. That if none of us have anything else in common we know we share this. And it gives us comfort knowing that someone really does know how we feel and can relate. You brought me that comfort at my dad's funeral when you sent David and Ryan. And it is the same reason why you spoke to my heart so loudly to be there when Allison and Meredith lost Johnnie. God, I feel bad for crying so much for my own loss since hearing about my friends. And if this makes me a selfish person, please forgive me. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to be comfort. I want to be brave like your son was when he died for us. I want to show my friend that one day...the pain won't sting as much. That the memories and that people get you through this. I love you.