I'm not sure when I actually realized it. I don't know if it was the feeling of my hair from my ponytail sticking to the back of my neck or when I looked down and saw my shoes moving in a effortless motion on the treadmill. Maybe it was when I saw my reflection in the big mirror and had to do a double take and ask myself, "Is that me? Am I really doing this?" - I don't know honestly when it was but all I know is that before I knew it I had run 2.5 miles on that treadmill and I wasn't even close to stopping. I don't know how I got there so fast or without noticing but somehow, I did. And then I kept going. And it felt good to sweat. To move. To breathe hard. I could feel my lungs opening up, I could feel my legs burning and I wanted more. I don't know how I got to this point. I don't know how I could have forgotten what doing something good for myself felt like but I don't want to go back. Today I love myself. Today I did something that I haven't done in a long time - I made myself proud. It felt good to be me. I felt strong again and that I was worth something.
Some of you may be saying, "Seriously, you just ran a little over 3 miles...who cares? I did the Iron Man last year. Or I run 10 miles every day. Or I work out for 7 days a week, 3 hours each day." And to you I say...You're Amazing! Seriously, because the hardest part is getting that motivation to get out of your rut, to get off of the couch and to go do something that makes you uncomfortable. I have no idea what got me out the door this morning (may have been the coffee) but I made it up to the gym. I have no idea what made me decide to run instead of do a brisk walk (not that there is anything wrong with that) but it's been several months since I have worked out and I was sure when I left the house this morning I was going to take it slow. Maybe it was the music. (thanks to http://www.mamalaughlin.com/ ) Maybe it was the Zumba class on the floor in front of me. Here were 15 women who would probably not be caught dead in any other situation shaking their rumps like they were. That pink carpeted, bouncy stage is magical. It gives you super powers - I would swear by it. They were beautiful and didn't have a care in the world. Maybe it was the woman who was dancing directly in front of me - I stared at the back of her shirt for what seemed like forever - "Sweat is just pain leaving the body". I have never really taken a liking to that quote, or at the very least it hasn't ever motivated me, until today. But if that said quote had any truth to it, then I wanted to sweat until I didn't feel any more "pain". And then again...maybe, just maybe, it was Christina Aguilera. I know, I know! Stop your judging right now! I was just telling my husband last night that her and her ridiculous 'Fighter' song no longer kept me going. I downloaded that song so long ago at a different time in my life - I wasn't feeling it anymore. Except for today. I listened to the words as I ran. And today they had a different meaning.
"I heard you're goin' round playin', the victim now
But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave"
Yep, that did it for me. I never thought Christina would ever make me have an epiphany but she did. I am the one bringing myself down. My weight isn't an excuse, my kids are not an excuse and my husband is not an excuse. I am my own worst enemy. We all are to some extent. I am the one slowing me down. I am the one keeping me on that couch. I am the reason why I feel the way I do. So...there was Me, telling Me, NO MORE! And Me replied, "No More - today we woke up. Today we are alive."
Yep, today is a good day. Today I love Me.