Try to stop being the selfish 21 year old that you are. Especially when it comes to your dad. You are going to have deep regrets when he is gone and he will be gone soon. I promise you that eventually you will not think so much about his death but more about his life. You will smile more and cry less. I promise you. But don't stop grieving. All in good time.
Right now you are wondering if you deserve to be with someone that is good. You have made many dating faux pas in your past and it's all out of your insecurities. Your self doubt is going to lead you to one of your biggest and best mistakes of your life. You will meet someone that you eventually will marry. The entire relationship will have you doubting yourself, your choices and what love is suppose to be. You are desperate and sad and just want to feel wanted. I would tell you to get over it and that you are better than this but honestly, if you hadn't made this choice you wouldn't have received all the blessings from it as well. It's the entire reason why you have to go through with it. So when it doubt, hold on. Keep pushing forward. Don't stop, something will come out of your tolerance and faith. Jackson and Ella. And then it's going to get really, really shitty. Do not give up. You will feel like you are dying. Like your heart is being ripped from you but do NOT give up. This is what I need you to do because I didn't. I didn't know better. Write everything down that Ella does. Everything. Because when everything else is falling apart around you, things out of your control, your going to lose the memories of her in that chaos. Write her life down until your life picks back up. You will come to a defining moment in your life, when you realize that you can't do this on your own. You are going to feel like kneeling and praying for the first time ever. Don't hesitate. Do it. And speak to Him. He has been waiting for this for a long time. Don't ever look back. Remember I told you it's going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better but that you have to keep going. Keep going. Your not there yet but you will be. You're about to learn what you are capable of. You are about to learn how strong you are. How much you deserve love. You're about to meet your sister all over again. You are about to meet the love your life. Let him in. He is going to be your forever soul mate. He is going to make all of this worth it. All of it. I know that sounds crazy but you will see. Just keep going.
I love you.