Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Big Believer in Not Believing...

It's so quiet right now. Kids at school. Landon went back to sleep. No coffee. I couldn't think of anything else to do but this. Not that I have any new brilliant news to share with you. I know, I know....this is disappointing. We can deal with it and get through it together.

I saw friend of mine yesterday while I went from completely drab, horrible roots to blonder than I have ever been it's kind of a shock to look at myself in the mirror. This friend of mine is having a baby. Like right now. She had a scheduled C-Section at 7:30 a.m. this morning I believe. Yesterday, she was asking me an array of questions. Questions in which I thoroughly enjoyed being asked. It just brought me back to my pregnancy. All three of them in one way or another. It's such an awesome, beautiful, blessed gift to be able to carry a child. I'm so excited for her. I knew exactly what she was feeling yesterday. Anxious. Excited. Nervous. And I knew what she was feeling last night when she probably couldn't sleep. And this morning when she had to be at the hospital at 5 a.m. And right now. Elated joy. Feelings you can't quite put into words . (well you could if you were a good writer) Congratulations Gemma!! You will be drinking Margs on a patio before you know it! ; )

Speaking of Margs on a patio and being pregnant - I wanted to quit. I feel like I am a joke to people. I mean I think if I weren't me but knew me, I would think that I was a joke. Not that anyone would make me feel this way. My friends and family are far too kind for that. So obviously, either I am convinced that, secretly they think I'm a joke or I, myself, think this.  And I'm sure it's the latter of the two. I work out every day. And I work out hard every day. And I haven't got on a scale in weeks. Which has helped me I believe. Did I already write about this? I'm a big believer in not believing..... in that number on the scale. It's just a number. I tell just about everybody this. I had this same conversation with my cousin Jill. She has been working her butt off doing boot camp, for weeks now. Her first week her loss in inches was awesome!! Like a standing ovation AWESOME! But I guess after a month she did it again and it was not what she was hoping for. Like I don't know how bad it was but she was discouraged. I said the same thing to her that my friends said to me the other night. "Who cares!! Your getting healthier every day! That's all that matters!" And I imagine that when I told her that, she felt the same way I did hearing it. Because lets be honest - If you are a person that has been consumed with or obsessed with your weight your entire adult life then the numbers DO MATTER! At the very least, an obvious result to the hard work you have put in would be nice. Rewarding at best. It does matter that if you work out every day or just about and nothing changes or you gain - it's all for what? It DOES MATTER. And yes, I know that I am healthy. I'm in shape. Or more than I was. And more than the person that doesn't work out but I don't care. Because those people are smaller than me. Those people are comfortable in their clothes. And that's what I want. But...I'm not quitting. I will never quit. Because even though it DOES MATTER - it also matters that I can live a longer life with my kids and my husband. And that's where the benefit of health comes in. So I will take it for now but that isn't what is going to keep me going. Results. I will be patient. I will NOT be a JOKE to myself. I will PROVE myself WRONG.


My Bucket List - I am proud to say that I have done most everything on it...and it was fun. And I want to continue to do it...

Picnic Lunch at the "beach" 
Best idea ever and we are doing this again really soon.
Put together Ella's lego set with Ella
Go for a walk after dinner
Play WAR with Jackson
Watch a movie with Husband after babies are in bed 
Okay well technically we didn't rent a movie...oh wait, yes we did. And it was funny. The Sitter. Yep, that's it! It was pretty funny. I recommend it.
Send a text to a friend to let them know I am aware of what they have been up to and that I am thinking of them.
Send my husband an email telling him how much he means to me
Write a note in Jackson and Ella's Mommy and Me journals
Introduce Landon to a trampoline and a water hose at the same time
Bake something new and bring it to Nana - Make with Ella.
Half the battle is picking a dessert out. There are so many. So I had Ella pick one out yesterday while I made dinner. She picked out a good one. Since they are going to their dad's this weekend we are going to have to do it next week but I'm pretty ecstatic about what she picked. 
Go swimming for as long as Husband can stand it. (wimp) 
I am a tan goddess. (with really blonde hair)

Chocolate Mint Icebox Dessert 

 Recipe found here.

From my weekend, inspired by my BUCKET LIST

Swimming, Toothless wonder, The "Beach", Field Day, Worn out, Blondie

Signing out,



  1. I love reading your blogs...because it is always so you! I did appreciate your attempt at a pep talk...but unfortunately I am still not feeling confident about it...I am actually still incredibly pissed off and having to really struggle not to quit...because I feel like even though I am working my ass's not showing...anywhere.

    Anyway...I love you

  2. You're not a joke- you are an inspiration for dedication. Love you.