Monday, December 31, 2012

Oh yes, Christmas was magical.

Yes, it's true. I have been on a blogging hiatus. I'm sure you noticed.

I had to go on this lapse for myself. Too much happening all at once.Too many posts I had forced myself to figure something out to write about. It makes me feel empty.  But for whatever reason, I felt like I had to keep up.  No more of that nonsense.

And then December 14th happened. And I couldn't really do much of anything the first few days. I was sad and I didn't want to write about it. Everyone was writing about it. I couldn't do my feelings or those beautiful kids justice. I still can't. And mostly, I couldn't justify being so mournful. I didn't feel like I had that right. So I'm still not going to attempt it. Honestly, what could I say that you haven't already heard or that you didn't already know. My husband brought it up last night while we were trying to drift off to sleep. I know that's a sorrowful, morbid place to go when your trying to find peace and slumber but I guess if anything that's what I want people to know. What I want people to do. To not ever FORGET it. But who am I? Just little ol' me. I blend.

Christmas was magical. Christmas is always magical. I feel like I don't really ever realize how enchanted it really is until it's over.  I try though. I try really hard. And I hang on to moments. And I recognize the ones that will end up being some of my favorite moments that we revert to when we talk about different Christmases with my children in the near future. Like Jackson's reaction to getting his phone. I'm not sure he has ever hugged Jacob so tightly before. Or Ella's squeal when she got the Taylor Swift "concert tickets". Holy high pitch Sister! You take the cake! I loved when Landon saw his bike sitting out on Christmas morning and instead of attempting to open up any other presents under the tree he walked straight over to his bike, gave us a quiet little "Whoa"...and walked it to the front door to head outside to ride it. Imagine his face when we opened the door to the pouring rain. Well actually, you would think he would have been disappointed by the rain falling in buckets but I don't think that would have stopped him. And my favorite, when my husband opened up the gift I made him. While fighting back tears of my own, I could see how much he loved it in his eyes and I could hear it in his reaction. He was so pleasantly surprised, "it's so much better than what I expected." - Husband said. Which raises the question....What the hell did he expect? And the best...the most memorable part of the entire day...The snow. It was so beautiful and it was the best Christmas present the Big Guy could have given us.

Oh yes, Christmas was magical.

And then I read a book....It was a Christmas gift from my husband. A very thoughtful one. I have wanted this book for months.  And he remembered.  The book changed my insides a bit. Reprogrammed by brain. But did so in a way that you probably won't notice. It was a subtle shift. It was quiet. And the change will be quiet too. But there will be change. You can't read a book like that and not feel compelled. Not crave something new. Something better. Something that says, "Growth is good. And it's time." I haven't figured out how yet. But that's okay. I'm not in a hurry. If anything, the author of the memoir makes me want to be a better version of myself. And she didn't do that on purpose. It's not meant to be a self help book but it turns out that people can inspire you in all sorts of ways.

Lastly, and this always happens to me after Christmas, I need to find a creative outlet. I need to make something.  I think it's because I have to put all the pretty things away. Although, I'm not going to lie...while all the pretty things are out I can't breathe. My living space closes in on me when the tree is up and the wreaths are on the wall and the stockings are hung by the chimney with care. So now that I can breathe again, I need to make something pretty. I have an innate desire to craft the heck out of something. Something that is less space consuming but can wave it's fabulous flag proudly. 

May the creative force be with me.

Happy New Year. Be safe my friends.

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