Beautiful and Bittersweet

Beautiful and Bittersweet - this growing up business.

 A 2nd grader and a 5th grader. Where has the time gone? 

My heart wants it all to slow down... 

But my brain knows it's not happening.

I was crying as I typed that as my Facebook status last night. And I had so much more to say but FB wasn't really the place to do it.  So I thought I would extend that thought here. I can't believe it's been over a month since I have come here to write. I mean normally I have to be moved by something to write. Inspired, I suppose. Inspired by sadness. Moved by happiness. Motivated by anger. Compelled by something. Anything. Or maybe I have just been lazy. If this blog ever feels like something I "have" to do. I won't do it anymore. Which is kinda why I love it. I can do what I want with it...and you can't stop me. Nah Na Nah Na Boo Boo!! I digress...

I think the most difficult thing for me is having a 10 year old boy and a 2 year old boy. Landon constantly reminds me of Jackson when he was little. Snuggling in bed with me. Raising his arms and and saying "hold you", when he wants to be held. Jackson holding just my single finger with his entire little hand. I try so hard to find contentment with the older version of Jackson. I look really hard for things that I can cherish now that I couldn't when he was younger. But those things are just so different. There is so much less need there. Other than help with math homework (and really we all know my husband comes in to play here) and an occasional desire to snuggle with me when he gets home from his Dads house. I just can't seem to find it. I know its there but I can't seem to find something to grasp on to. To make me feel satisfied that he still needs me just as much as he did when he was younger. I'm still learning as I go. I have never had a 10 year old or a 5th grader before. This is all new to me. I will constantly be learning and evolving and that's okay. 

In other news: 

I had a freaking Kidney Infection. I say "freaking" because I would rather say "fracking" and eventually get to what I really mean...if you know what I mean.  However, my mother in law reads this blog infrequently so...I have to respect that. But Damn!!!! Those kidney infections hurt like a mofo!! I have never had one and I never want one again. I also was sure it wasn't one. I didn't have the normal bladder infection symptoms that usually preface a kidney infection (or so I thought). I rarely drink soda. In fact, I was sure I pulled a muscle. I had added more weights to my back in Body Pump that week and I had done another cardio class that involved "throwing" around medicine balls and I specifically remember turning to my SIL and saying, "That hurts my back". This just goes to show you that we really don't know shite about our health. Our bodies. Go to the doctor. Get your stuff checked out. Better safe than sorry.  P.S. Ummm....although I felt like I was in crack whoreville at the ER, that really blunt doctor with the horrible bedside manner gave me some wonderful medicine in my IV to make the pain go away, even if just but for an hour...I as in the land of Unicorns and purple clouds. 

* I have already lost sleep trying to figure out what I want to be for Halloween this year. This is serious business people. 

* I have not been able to work out for two weeks. TWO WEEKS!! Holy Balls! That is like forever and I cannot wait to get back at it Monday. And I love that I can't wait to get back at it!! 

* I now desperately want a big chalk board with colored chalk markers. Like, I'm pretty sure I'm going to need them before school starts just for me to get all organized. (thanks Crystal and Lisa) 

* I have officially run out of time...my kids want the computer, Landon is running around  the house (with a red ring pop I might add) And Jackson is a good for nothing babysitter. 

The End.