BRAVE

Well here I go...I'm going on an adventure and it's going to be a tad bit surreal. It was a rough, last week for my kids but they survived. They always do - which in turn helps me breathe easy again. But tomorrow, me and the kids are going to a beach. We are going to an ocean to just be. I'm really excited about that. I think they need it, I know I need it but we as a whole,  definitely could use the time together. This will be the first time it is just me and my big kids since before I met Jacob and after their dad left. It's going to take me back to that place I think and then it's going to bring me full circle. There are so many things that I want to share with my kids about that time. I want them to know it was hard. I want them to know I cried every day. That I wanted to crumble and die. That at the very least I wanted to lay in my bed in the fetal position and not have to make any decisions because decisions didn't matter anymore. But more importantly I want them to know that I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that because of them. I couldn't do that because these little people needed their Mommy. I couldn't do that because I had a newborn daughter that needed to be fed her bottle every 4 hours. I couldn't do that because I had a 2 year old son that wanted to play Thomas Train and sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider. I couldn't do that because there were bath times and bed times and the morning always came. I knew then that my children needed me more than I needed to mourn but I realize now that I needed them just as much, if not more. They saved my LIFE - and I want to tell them that but I'm not sure they will understand that yet. I'm not sure they can quite grasp what I mean when I tell them that they saved me every day. So instead I'm going to open my eyes really big and take every single moment in. I'm going to hug Ella and make sure my arms are wrapped around her completely and I am going to remember the way her hair smells. I'm going to laugh with Jackson and listen to all his jokes and remember the curve of his smile and the light in his eyes when he talks about anything related to sports. I'm going to pay attention. I'm alive today because of God's grace and because of those two beautiful children. I'm going to live every single moment of it. I'm going on a spiritual vacation and my soul is gonna thank me for it!!

Okay so I have lots of packing and cleaning and a little laundry to do before this trip but I do have some randoms. I didn't want to leave you with a completely mushy post and I am positive that you are dying for more. Positive.

• Like as positive as I am that I will get LOST on my trip - Don't feel bad people. It's inevitable. I have accepted it and it's time you did too. Just pray for me. And patience for my children. Jackson tends to freak out a little when Mom gets lost. 
• I'm going to miss my Landon and my husband. Like a lot. Like I already can't wait to get back and kiss both of them!
• Without going into detail or naming names I just want to put this out there - We all have someone we despise, we hate, we loathe. (And if you don't - well hooray for you) Pray for the people that you care the least about. Pray for them the hardest. Prayer works. Trust me. 
• My daughter is hard headed. Stubborn as a mule. Defiant almost. I use to worry about this characteristic of hers. I embrace it now. It's not such a bad thing to have a child that goes their own way. That is independent of others and their decisions. That knows what she wants and stands up for it. It's not such a bad thing to have a daughter that is BRAVE.  "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."  ~Ambrose Redmoon - if you only knew how fitting this was....
• I'm still working out. Not that it mattered much this week. I made bad decisions when it came to food. Not all bad and not all week but enough to make the working out not make too much of  a difference. The thing is, I don't really work out to lose weight. I'm smarter than that. I know better. I work out because of the way it makes me feel. Period. End of story. 
• I'm giving up the scale for awhile. Last week I put on a pair of jeans and they fit me better or I looked better in them. Either way I felt good. That feeling prompted me to get on the scale. The scale then sent me into a spiraling depression. I had lost .6 lbs. After my week of hard work and eating good. That was it. I was better off putting on the jeans and going with that high. I don't want all my hard work and commitment to be stripped from me because of a number. So I'm going to give it a try. Plus...have I mentioned I'm going on Spring Break??? No working out and I have no idea how I will eat. I am going to try though. I'm not just going to through my hands in the air and say "screw it". I don't want to feel guilty about the choices I make. Nothing feels fatter than guilt. 

With Love,

Amy Marie

P.S. Bailee - thanks for your kind words on my last post. That was sweet of you!!!