Powerless

Last Friday, the kids and I were on our way out to Fort Worth to get Jackson's allergy shot. It's a good little  30 minute drive for us both ways. It's a drive we take every other Friday. It's a drive that is part of our routine. Most of the time, Jackson just falls asleep in the front seat. Most of the time. This time was different. This time my 10 year old boy just held my hand. And he held it tight. Really, really tight. As if he was trying to tell me something but he didn't have the words. At that moment, I had to hold back tears. Because whether or not Jackson was trying to speak to me without words or he just wanted to hold my hand and cut off any feeling I had in it, the truth is, Jackson lives a life I can't relate to. Both of my older kids do. And that makes me sad. It makes it harder for me to make things better for them.

They live two different lives. Back and forth, between my house and their dad's, there is nothing consistent between the two households. Nothing. At all. Not even in the way we love them. Think about that. Because that is all I could think about on our trip out to Fort Worth that Friday. How hard it must be for a 4 year old, 5, 6, 8, 10 year old boy to be two different people constantly. I can't fix that for him. I can't change things that are out of my control. I can't change how he feels when he is on the other side of town, in a house that doesn't feel like a home to him. I use to think that this would make me feel happy. Or comforted in some way. But it doesn't. It makes me feel like I have child that is lost. That doesn't know who he is. Where he belongs. He doesn't know how to be happy. He is a people pleaser to a fault. He doesn't know any other way and until now, it frustrated me. (It still may a little) But I have to think that he is like this because of his situation. Because of how he has been raised and it may not be my influence but he has been influenced all the same.

As I sat there hiding my tears behind my big sunglasses I thought about when Jackson was Landon's age. Even younger. He was so happy. The sweetest, prettiest little boy ever. I thought about how I never pictured this life for him. That in all honesty, all you want for your children is to be happy. You will do whatever you can in your power to make that happen. I am powerless now. I can tell Jackson a thousand different times how "he's lucky because he gets 2 Christmases or 2 Birthday Party celebrations or that he has even more people to love him" - The truth of the matter is, Jackson would rather have some sort of normalcy on a consistent basis then 2 Christmas. Jackson knows that it's the best we can come up with when he asks, "Why?" And that this is the best it's ever going to get. That his life will forever be a struggle between back and forth. Between Mom and Dad. Between two houses that are as different as night and day. He will have to deal with choices some kids don't have to consider. He will have to figure out a way, on his own, to discover who he is.

All you can do as a parent with every other weekend is do the best to make your lives together and your house you are raising your babies in feel like home. Give them space to grow. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. Afford them the opportunities to make their own decisions. Don't ever make them feel like they are choosing between one or the other. Love the 'other' as much as humanely possible. Whether they deserve it or not. Set the good examples. Embrace the fact that you have no control over all of it. Take your "part" and blow it out of the water. I want my kids to say one day, "I want to be like my Mother. I want to have her heart. Her understanding. My mom was 'home' to me."

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home