BRAVE

Well here I go...I'm going on an adventure and it's going to be a tad bit surreal. It was a rough, last week for my kids but they survived. They always do - which in turn helps me breathe easy again. But tomorrow, me and the kids are going to a beach. We are going to an ocean to just be. I'm really excited about that. I think they need it, I know I need it but we as a whole,  definitely could use the time together. This will be the first time it is just me and my big kids since before I met Jacob and after their dad left. It's going to take me back to that place I think and then it's going to bring me full circle. There are so many things that I want to share with my kids about that time. I want them to know it was hard. I want them to know I cried every day. That I wanted to crumble and die. That at the very least I wanted to lay in my bed in the fetal position and not have to make any decisions because decisions didn't matter anymore. But more importantly I want them to know that I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that because of them. I couldn't do that because these little people needed their Mommy. I couldn't do that because I had a newborn daughter that needed to be fed her bottle every 4 hours. I couldn't do that because I had a 2 year old son that wanted to play Thomas Train and sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider. I couldn't do that because there were bath times and bed times and the morning always came. I knew then that my children needed me more than I needed to mourn but I realize now that I needed them just as much, if not more. They saved my LIFE - and I want to tell them that but I'm not sure they will understand that yet. I'm not sure they can quite grasp what I mean when I tell them that they saved me every day. So instead I'm going to open my eyes really big and take every single moment in. I'm going to hug Ella and make sure my arms are wrapped around her completely and I am going to remember the way her hair smells. I'm going to laugh with Jackson and listen to all his jokes and remember the curve of his smile and the light in his eyes when he talks about anything related to sports. I'm going to pay attention. I'm alive today because of God's grace and because of those two beautiful children. I'm going to live every single moment of it. I'm going on a spiritual vacation and my soul is gonna thank me for it!!

Okay so I have lots of packing and cleaning and a little laundry to do before this trip but I do have some randoms. I didn't want to leave you with a completely mushy post and I am positive that you are dying for more. Positive.

• Like as positive as I am that I will get LOST on my trip - Don't feel bad people. It's inevitable. I have accepted it and it's time you did too. Just pray for me. And patience for my children. Jackson tends to freak out a little when Mom gets lost. 
• I'm going to miss my Landon and my husband. Like a lot. Like I already can't wait to get back and kiss both of them!
• Without going into detail or naming names I just want to put this out there - We all have someone we despise, we hate, we loathe. (And if you don't - well hooray for you) Pray for the people that you care the least about. Pray for them the hardest. Prayer works. Trust me. 
• My daughter is hard headed. Stubborn as a mule. Defiant almost. I use to worry about this characteristic of hers. I embrace it now. It's not such a bad thing to have a child that goes their own way. That is independent of others and their decisions. That knows what she wants and stands up for it. It's not such a bad thing to have a daughter that is BRAVE.  "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."  ~Ambrose Redmoon - if you only knew how fitting this was....
• I'm still working out. Not that it mattered much this week. I made bad decisions when it came to food. Not all bad and not all week but enough to make the working out not make too much of  a difference. The thing is, I don't really work out to lose weight. I'm smarter than that. I know better. I work out because of the way it makes me feel. Period. End of story. 
• I'm giving up the scale for awhile. Last week I put on a pair of jeans and they fit me better or I looked better in them. Either way I felt good. That feeling prompted me to get on the scale. The scale then sent me into a spiraling depression. I had lost .6 lbs. After my week of hard work and eating good. That was it. I was better off putting on the jeans and going with that high. I don't want all my hard work and commitment to be stripped from me because of a number. So I'm going to give it a try. Plus...have I mentioned I'm going on Spring Break??? No working out and I have no idea how I will eat. I am going to try though. I'm not just going to through my hands in the air and say "screw it". I don't want to feel guilty about the choices I make. Nothing feels fatter than guilt. 

With Love,

Amy Marie

P.S. Bailee - thanks for your kind words on my last post. That was sweet of you!!!

I still want what I want....

  Okay, I am just going to get this first part out of the way. I have a very unpopular opinion about this weather. I hate it. I know...I know. Sue me. I just love to experience the seasons. All 4 of them, not all two of them. Or 1 and a half of them. All 4. I know what you are thinking, I should probably not be living in Texas if that is what I want. But I am living here in Texas and I still want what I want. Summer is actually my  least favorite season. Only because of the summers we tend to have here. When it's too hot to go outside because the ozone isn't healthy or when taking a dip in a nice cold pool is actually like soaking in a warm bathtub - it becomes very unappealing to me. Mosquitoes disrupt any chance of hanging outside with your friends in the evenings, that and the fact that the under side of your legs began to collect pools of sweat if you sit outside for too long. You can forget about patio Margaritas people. It's just too miserable. I love FALL. I love the way the leaves change colors to hues of red and orange. I love when wearing jeans is acceptable and not just when you want to cover your pasty legs. I love when you have to wear boots to keep your feet warmer and when you can sit outside for hours watching your kids play and not have to worry about them getting over heated or getting a sun burn. I love winter because it heeds the opportunity to stay in. Staying in means cuddling under blankets and watching movies while you have a fire burning in your fireplace. I love the winter because you sometimes have to wear a scarf around your neck to keep warm and it's almost necessary  to sip on hot drinks to keep your insides toasty. I don't even really mind spring so much. I think it always smells like rain. There always seems to be a cool breeze. The thunderstorm clouds always cast a gray shadow over the day which makes it seem more bearable and it always smells like fresh cut grass.  Don't get me wrong. I love sunshine. I love feeling the warmth from it on my cheeks and my shoulders. I love the sun when it makes me feel like I am wrapped up in a warm blanket, not smothering myself in a king size down comforter to the point I can't breathe. I remember experiencing some of fall this year, one day of winter and spring is starting to emerge. This can only mean one thing - the inevitable Heat Wave is coming - and it will be here before we know it. Hell on Earth.

  Okay so now that I got that out of the way.....I have had a lot going on this week. Last week. I'm not sure when I blogged last. Finding time to sit down and record my thoughts is like doing a load of my kids laundry and every sock has it's match. It rarely happens.

Working It - I have been working out every day, 5 days a week for the last 2 weeks...or is it 3 weeks? I don't know, definitely 2. I veered off the running path and started up on some classes. I knew I had to work my way up to these classes. They are more challenging to me than running 3.5 miles. They are also more fun. They work my entire body, depending on the class, and they give me a variety. I need that to stay interested.  I am still running though. I still love running and listening to my music, I am just mixing it up a little. I have lost a little weight but more than that can already see a difference in my clothes. Albeit a small difference, anything is rewarding.

Grub - I have also been eating really well. I only have one "bad for me" meal a week. I reserve that for the weekends...always. It gives me something to look forward to. However, the healthy meals I have been making during the week have been really good. I plan on sharing my meals/recipes shortly on a separate blog post.

Spring Break - Well we had a trip planned for the family. Almost 5 days in Galveston. We planned on spending most of our time at the beaches (hopefully I can find a decent one) making sand castles and enjoying picnics. We were going to visit the aquariums, the restaurants on the shore and Schlitterbahn. There has been a slight wrench thrown in to our plans but a good one. It just means I am taking the kids on my own, without the Hubs, to Galveston. I'm a little nervous about that mostly because I am directionally challenged but surely I can pull this off. I have to pull this off!!

Jacob's Job - My husband, Jacob, got a new job. A career I should say. He got a new career. This is the big one people. The one he has been waiting for. He worked at getting on with this company for 7 months. He started last week and loves it!! Like really, truly feels like this is such a huge blessing not just for him but our entire family. He goes in earlier and gets off at a decent time. He can spend more time with the kids after school. He won't miss any more basketball or baseball games. He feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders and he is looking forward to getting done with the training (this is why he can't go to Galveston), digging in and showing these people what he is made of. I know he will be amazing. He is always AMAZING.

My Big Boy - Oh Jackson, every time I think about how much my first born has grown I get teary eyed. He is such a  grown up, smart, sweet and kind hearted boy. He is my first love. Besides finishing up his basketball season this year with an amazing game Jackson made a huge decision yesterday. Jackson has been asking me for the last couple of days about being apart of God's family. I stumbled over my answer to him and asked Jacob to intervene. I feel like I am still learning, right along with my son. Jacob explained it to him a lot better. I wanted to make sure that Jackson understood the decision he was making before he made it. I wanted to be sure Jackson was making the decision on his own and without outside influences. I had him sit down and talk to our church's Childrens Minister, which also happens to be his Grammy. It works out pretty well. But Jackson was way ahead of the game. He is obviously paying attention in his Church class. He was finishing Grammy's sentences, knew the answers to her questions and I had no doubt he understood. And then we prayed....And then I cried. I am proud of him. Not just for the decision he made but that he made it on his own.

Jackson Pierce Hill 2-29-2012

All in all it's been a fabulous week. Love to all!!!

Always Google First...

I have been sitting here staring at this empty box on my computer for the last five minutes. Quite possibly the last seven.  It has been a little over a week since I have blogged and on the nights I lay awake and can't sleep my mind is racing with things to talk about. And yet, I can't get my thoughts gathered enough to do it. Maybe it's because I have too much and it's a whole lotta nothing.

Well I can say this much, this post isn't going to compare to my last one. I was on a high that Friday. Running and sweating and good music - yep, that was a good day. Let me see if I can sum up my days that followed.

Day 2 - HELL. It wasn't the running that hurt this time. It wasn't even my sore thighs or hip flexers. It was my damn toes. I got blisters on the first day that I ran and have felt the pain every day since. I kept saying to myself, the pain is in my head, my body wants to quit but I can keep going. But then my realistic self said, "Girl, that is real pain, that is your toes bleeding out. But keep going anyways. They are just toes." And I kept going. And I ran another 3.5 miles.

Day 3 - More or less a lot like Day 2. I was now walking funny. Had my toes wrapped in bandages (completely pointless) and was losing sleep. Okay so it's safe to say it was worse than Day 2. But I had something to prove. So even though I lost sleep over the pain in my freaking toes and soaked them in the bath tub at 1:30 in the morning, I was going to keep going. And I did.

Day 4 -   Note to self - Don't listen to husband when he tells you to pop the water blisters on your toes. Always Google first. Day 4 was horrible and I got through it but barely. Barely.

Day 4 was also a trip to the doctor for my daughter who, turns out, had a cold. The days that followed entailed, yet another trip to the doctor for my youngest son, who has croup. Croup is awful!!! Neither of the other two kids ever had it growing up. Poor Landon is constantly coughing, wheezing all the time, puking from coughing so hard and ends up in our bed most nights. I mean really, when is this kid going to give us a break!! Ha!! No...really. When? I felt sick some where in between there but I really think it was just from lack of sleep. Jackson had a late night basketball game  that was so close it was heart breaking. And my toes got the opportunity to rest.

After consulting with an "expert" and by "expert" I mean the guy in the shoe department at Sports Authority, he tells me that I got blisters because I am running in cross training shoes. Apparently cross training shoes are not meant for running. They are meant for....Cross Training. Fine. I guess I will just have to get a new pair of sweet kicks. And I did.

Day 5 - Irony. Whelp, after eating my delicious turkey burger on a whole wheat bun embellished  with jalapenos and one piece of turkey bacon and a side of broccoli and cheese (vomit) I went back to the gym. I missed it. I was chomping at the bit. But I didn't RUN. I did Turbo Kick. There is not a single class that makes you feel stronger than this one does. IMO.   In all honesty, I could probably Ninja Punch Kick the hell out of all four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if I wanted to immediately upon leaving that class. But I wouldn't want to - they are the good guys. I would probably just join their pack. Also, I left a load of towels in the washer most of the day. I suck.

I just felt like there were so many other important things I needed to write about. The fact that maybe being a non confrontational person does not equal a door mat. I'm just realizing this about myself. It's just who I am. A non-confrontational, it's not worth it, person. I always have been. Always. More than likely, at this point in my life, I probably always will be. So I'm  hoping this also means that I'm not actually scared or intimidated by "people" - I just don't want to go there most of the time and that's okay.

I wanted to talk about mean girls, about surrounding yourself with good people always. About being brave and doing something that scares you. Do it. You will help other people be brave too. About having to go on our spring break vacation alone with the kids. Does this sound like a vacation or like Day 2 through 4? I had a handful of things but I can hear my cell phone going off like crazy - which could only mean it's my husband frantically trying to get in touch with me to see what I am doing. He's probably worried I'm watching The Voice without him. It's tempting. I can't lie.

And that's my whole lotta nothing...

Maybe...just Maybe...it was Christina freaking Aguilera!

I'm not sure when I actually realized it. I don't know if it was the feeling of my hair from my ponytail sticking to the back of my neck or when I looked down and saw my shoes moving in a effortless motion on the treadmill. Maybe it was when I saw my reflection in the big mirror and had to do a double take and ask myself, "Is that me? Am I really doing this?" - I don't know honestly when it was but all I know is that before I knew it I had run 2.5 miles on that treadmill and I wasn't even close to stopping. I don't know how I got there so fast or without noticing but somehow, I did. And then I kept going. And it felt good to sweat. To move. To breathe hard. I could feel my lungs opening up, I could feel my legs burning and I wanted more. I don't know how I got to this point. I don't know how I could have forgotten what doing something good for myself felt like but I don't want to go back. Today I love myself. Today I did something that I haven't done in a long time - I made myself proud. It felt good to be me. I felt strong again and that I was worth something.


Some of you may be saying, "Seriously, you just ran a little over 3 miles...who cares? I did the Iron Man last year. Or I run 10 miles every day. Or I work out for 7 days a week, 3 hours each day." And to you I say...You're Amazing! Seriously, because the hardest part is getting that motivation to get out of your rut, to get off of the couch and to go do something that makes you uncomfortable. I have no idea what got me out  the door this morning (may have been the coffee) but I made it up to the gym. I have no idea what made me decide to run instead of do a brisk walk (not that there is anything wrong with that) but it's been several months since I have worked out and I was sure when I left the house this morning I was going to take it slow. Maybe it was the music. (thanks to http://www.mamalaughlin.com/ ) Maybe it was the Zumba class on the floor in front of me. Here were 15 women who would probably not be caught dead in any other situation shaking their rumps like they were. That pink carpeted, bouncy stage is magical. It gives you super powers - I would swear by it. They were beautiful and didn't have a care in the world. Maybe it was the woman who was dancing directly in front of me - I stared at the back of her shirt for what seemed like forever - "Sweat is just pain leaving the body". I have never really taken a liking to that quote, or at the very least it hasn't ever motivated me, until today. But if that said quote had any truth to it, then I wanted to sweat until I didn't feel any more "pain". And then again...maybe, just maybe, it was Christina Aguilera. I know, I know! Stop your judging right now! I was just telling my husband last night that her and her ridiculous 'Fighter' song no longer kept me going. I downloaded that song so long ago at a different time in my life - I wasn't feeling it anymore. Except for today. I listened to the words as I ran. And today they had a different meaning.

"I heard you're goin' round playin', the victim now
But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave"

Yep, that did it for me. I never thought Christina would ever make me have an epiphany but she did. I am the one bringing myself down. My weight isn't an excuse, my kids are not an excuse and my husband is not an excuse. I am my own worst enemy. We all are to some extent. I am the one slowing me down. I am the one keeping me on that couch. I am the reason why I feel the way I do. So...there was Me, telling Me, NO MORE! And Me replied, "No More - today we woke up. Today we are alive."


Yep, today is a good day. Today I love Me.
 Day One.

~ Zoey the Pup ~

Everyone, I would like for you to meet  Zoey.

 

She is the sweetest, most timid and cuddly little puppy I have ever known. (it would be safe to say that I haven't known many) Last Wednesday we took the family to the shelter at Petsmart. The Petsmart in Alliance Town Center has an in store shelter in the back corner. They had about 15 or so dogs in there at the time we went. Loud, barking dogs! Except for this little one. She just sat in her cage as quiet as can be. Made not a peep. Honestly, I don't know if we would have adopted her if the kids hadn't been with us. I would like to think I would have and that she was meant to be ours but there is no way of knowing. I do know that we did fall in love with her instantly. Especially my two youngest. Ella loved her and wanted to carry her all over that store. Landon loves her affection and her kisses. Like a lot. Like, Landon may love her too much. But Zoey takes it all in stride. She has adapted well in our little home with our little family. We absolutely adore her.

P.S. If your thinking about getting a new family member for your household you should really consider adopting. It makes you feel all good inside. Oh...and you get to save an animals life. ; )

Valentine Confetti - Nom..Nom..!

Well I was going to go with goldfish for my daughters class valentines until I came across this and now...well I'm not in the mood for fish anymore. My sweet tooth over powered me (as it always does) and I'm going with the Valentine Confetti this year. I mean seriously, what would you rather nibble on??

http://www.nestofposies-blog.com/2011/01/valentine-confetti.html

I'm going to attempt adding some cutesy name tag to each bag...but I think this will be a bigger hit than the goldfish idea.  I need a brownie....

Goodbyes Made you Mine

 So I get a text from my Mom this morning about entering a contest that one of my friends is hosting. I submitted my email to him just now and thought I would also use this opportunity to blog about it. Because, honestly, one of my favorite things to do is write about people that I love. I have a lot of people that I love but this guy is my favorite. Here is the link if you want to read more about the contest and I will also leave the link if you want to listen to the song. It's a really great song!!!


http://jthodges.com/news/goodbyes-made-you-mine-valentines-day-contest

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai7Fkfsa6Gs





Isn't it funny how a song can speak to your soul? I mean isn't that what it's all about anyways? How much your life or your life experiences relates to a song. How much a song tells your story. I love that about music and that's why I love this song so much. I knew it the moment I heard it because it told my story.

My story starts about 6 years ago. I had a 2 1/2 year old little boy and a brand new baby girl. Sounds promising right? I also had a husband that, after being married for only 4 short years,  didn't want to be married to me anymore. Let me tell you that there is nothing worse than being hopeless. Than not being able to control a situation that is slowly spinning out of control around you. But there I was, a new mother of two, heart-broken, devastated and powerless to keep this marriage together. The short version of this story is that we went through a pretty grueling divorce that took a good part of three years and also a better part of my sanity. But that isn't what this story is about. This story is about finding hope again. Finding love when you have all but given up on the very thought of it. Finding myself, finding my soul mate.

About a year after my ex-husband and i had split up I met Jacob. It's important that you know that at this point in my life, I didn't believe in true love.I didn't believe in vows and I didn't believe in anything lasting. I was a pretty pessimistic person to say the least. Enters Jacob and my life as I knew it had changed forever.  It all started with a conversation over cleaning the dishes. I had guests in from out of town and Jacob and come over with his brother.  I was taken by him instantly and his rare but ever so refreshing humility during this conversation that before I knew it he had helped me clean up my kitchen.  And that's when I started to fight every feeling I felt. He's too young. He will leave me eventually. They all do. If taking vows with someone doesn't matter why would this guy stick around. I had every excuse in the book. I trusted no one. But most of all, I didn't trust myself. How could I? I was wrong about who I married and so I convinced myself I could not be trusted.  But with every excuse I gave Jacob, he replied with, " I don't care if it will take until the day I die and I have to have 'I told you so' written on my tombstone, I will prove to you that I am here to stay. I will be patient. I can wait until you are ready to love again. I can wait until you want to let someone in. I will earn your trust. Your worth waiting for." And every day since the first day I have met Jacob he has proven me wrong. Every day Jacob not only tells me he loves me, he shows me he loves me.

Every day he loves my oldest kids that are not his own but he treats them as they are. Every day  he misses me and tells me about it, he holds my hand, he kisses my forehead, he says thank you for dinner, he cleans up the kitchen, he's my rock when I am unstable, he is my ear when I need someone to listen, he is my shoulder to cry on, he is the one who can make me laugh my way out of a bad mood. Every day I fall in love with him all over again.  He is what True Love means. He is my best friend, my absolute better half. He makes me want to be a better person by the way he loves others. He is my soul mate. This is my Fairytale and I wouldn't be here today, the happiest I have ever been in my life, if I hadn't been through hell and  back. All the Goodbyes I heard in my life led me to this moment. To this opportunity to write this story about the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. My husband. My world has completely changed forever, for the better.

With Love,
Amy Bryant

Photos by Serendipity Photography

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is... just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two" ♥